Trains-formational

Wow – I have really been putting off writing this. I keep finding something else to arrange, or get settled, or to prepare before I actually sit down to write. There is however, a key difference between my approach now and what it would have been one year ago…

I am doing it.

I am sitting in a Washington DC airport writing this post. Despite feeling anxious that it will not be good. Despite wondering whether anyone will actually read it (and being concerned both ways). Despite thinking of a million other ways that my time might be better used.

I am sticking true to one of my intentions for the new year of greater self-expression. Of writing more and of sharing that writing with others – regardless of achieving any particular outcomes. The process of writing and sharing is the goal. It is not a means to an end. For me, the acts of writing and sharing are all I am striving for. And I am using this as practice in allowing myself to make mistakes and continuing to have compassion for myself anyway.

So, here it goes. One year ago today…

I was taking a train from LA to Seattle. Before getting to that train, I had taken a shorter train ride from Anaheim to LA. I was feeling excited and hopeful. I was looking forward to a new year and a fresh start and the exciting possibilities that I could see before me. I wanted to experience everything that the 37-hour journey would have to offer. And I was seeking to be more connected with the beautiful landscapes of the path than a flight would have been able to offer. At the same time, I was sad. And experiencing grief from the loss of a relationship that I held dear. I was finally learning the lesson of being able to hold multiple emotions simultaneously, even those that seemed to be in direct contradiction.

In the midst of viewing the range of shifting scenery that was transforming from coastal California, to deep green lakes surrounded by towering trees, to snow covered tracks and tress that created a winter wonderland, I was transforming too. It happened slowly. Not all at once. I was gradually coming to the decision that 2022 would be the year of doing what I truly desired. Of calling on my courage to trust myself and to follow where I was leading myself. I understood that this could entail disappointing others. While this was certainly not my goal, I started to accept that sometimes disappointing others is ok. Especially when the other option was to disregard and disappoint myself.

Little did I know that as we moved along the tracks for those 37 hours, I was gaining more courage and compassion for myself than I had ever experienced before. This is how I was able to live the life I did in 2022. This is how I can be sitting here now, writing these very words. And, importantly, sharing them with you.

I am practicing the constraint of writing only one-page posts – both so that they do not become unwieldy and so that I write consistently. Technically, I have one line remaining, but I will leave it here. (And with this sentence I am filling the last line too. 😄)